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My blog. Its been almost a year since i last visited. To think i dont even remember the name ( its obnoxiously long, but still). Thankfully blogger remembers me, or i would have had to click on 'Forgot Password?'. Hell. One year. What Have i become? I've changed so much i hardly know myself anymore. I stopped writing. I stopped reading at all. I don't enjoy stupid Hindi movies, or any movies for that matter, at all. Nothing touches me, not music, not tragedy, not even death. Like a stone face i watch. I have something to complain about everything, something bad to say about everyone. Why so grumpy? What have i lost in this one year. The answer probably is, myself. But why? I don't know. I havent even thought about it. I havent realised it till today. I didn't realise it till Nash pointed out that i was silent. And irritated. And then i wondered why i wasn't enjoying myself the way i usually do, even just sitting in that car, saying nothing, doing nothing.

Ruminations. Led me to believe that, it was after all, fear. Fear that i'd slip back into being the usual me. Waiting every minute for a message on my phone, a call, or even a small glimpse. a wave of the hand from a distant terrace. Like a silly schoolgirl. Fear that if i did that, i'd become the same jealous little thing, jealous of any other company except mine. Fear that that would lead me into saying something, which would upset him, even though i knew it was unfair. Fear that i would again start to expect things. And fear that i would be disappointed again. Why is disappointment so hard to take? Is it bad enough that i have to change myself in order to handle it? After all, i would only be disappointed at a cancelled appointment. Aren't there people with much bigger hopes and dreams, so high that if they come crashing god knows what would happen. So if they didnt stop that little candle-flame called hope, why should i? why havent i thought about this before, rather, what led me into this path, without my knowing at all? and what happened to the once systematic me, who does all her jobs on time?

The answer(s) to this : ZYNGA and Facebook. The entire day i sit planting seeds, cooking dishes with weird names or feeding fish. And what do i get out of it? Nothing. So why haven't i been able to shake it off? I haven't tried. Maybe i don't want to. Keeps me occupied, so i don't know how time flies when i wait for it to be 6 in the evening, and i can put a call to the U.S. Is there nothing else productive enough? None that i can think of. Keeps the mind stupid and blank. I think less about other things now, and don't pine away just for the sound of a voice. So now, is that something to be proud of, i wonder? Well, i don't feel as bad as before, but its been having worse effects than before on the other side. What do i do now? Go back to being the pining- whining or the aloof?